What if we emailed..
Here, I take five different everyday scenarios, and imagine what if we used American political parties’ fundraising style emails to communicate?
Needless to say, this is all done in good humor.
Enjoy!!
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SALES EMAIL
SUBJECT: Picture this John!!
Your old product “sameoldstuff” is getting renewed on January 20, 2025 — the start of another four year term filled with chaos and division. Four long years.
We’re sorry to put that thought into your head, but it’s important we all come to terms with the fact there is a very real chance it happens.
In just over three weeks, we close the books on another quarter deadline.
Rate of subscription in this race is close. Razor thin. Not just nationally, but in swing states across the country.
The extreme right is mobilizing, and outside spending is only going to ramp up against us as we get closer to the election.
The only thing standing in their way is our product “Gotcha”…and you.
Let us be clear: If we have the resources to win this sales war, we will. If we don’t, we’re in trouble. The answer to that question is up to people who care enough about the outcome to subscribe.
And with the general sales season officially underway, there’s no better time than right now. Gotcha needs you.
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DAUGHTER TO PARENTS
SUBJECT: BREAKING: Nate Silver says our Summer trip to Europe is A TOSS-UP???
Mom and Dad, this is shocking.
Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight just revealed that there is a 65% chance that we will bail on going to Europe this summer.
FiveThirtyEight is predicting that several key family members will DROP OUT of the trip:
1) Aunt Anandi hasn’t responded in the group WhatsApp even once.
2) Cousin Kannan said he’s taking a Miami trip with friends — how will he have time for both? Clearly friends over family for him.
3) An Ipsos poll has found that Grandma isn’t really up for too much excitement lately and she hates public transport.
Listen carefully, Mom and Dad:
If we do not go to Europe, we could lose a once-in-a-generation opportunity for a good family photo in front of so many amazing insta-worthy landmarks.
With just 89 days left until it gets too cold to go, can I count on you to just buy plane tickets and figure out the details later? Brother and I will chip in $20 to get the ball rolling.
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SON TO PARENTS
SUBJECT: Match my friend Kevin’s contribution to Kendrick Lamar concert tickets!!
LIMITED TIME ONLY!
For the FIRST TIME in 3 months, I am offering a 100% MATCH to any parent who chips in up to $150 for tickets to see Kendrick Lamar at Little Caesars Arena.
Heroes like Kendrick Lamar diss to slay and be iconic for our democracy every day.
But the big banks and Drake are trying to BLOCK Lamar’s impact on young people like me, by wiping my checking account clean and by placing a hold on my savings account.
They claim it’s because I have “severely overdrafted.”
Will you show them they underestimate the power of youth in this country? And will you make a strong commitment to that cause and make a statement that they are doing this at their own peril by Venmoing me (Zelle works too) whenever you get a second in between surgeries. All I am asking is for you to pitch in $150 to match my friend Kevin who is going to make it count.
And don’t forget, no matter what the media tries to tell you:
You are not invited to the concert! And it’s a good thing.DONATIONS 2X IMPACTFUL
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STUDENT TO TEACHER
SUBJECT: DEMAND MISTEST NOW TO SAVE AMERICA!!
To whomsoever it may concern:
If we don’t make a massive stand, right here, right now — America as we know will CEASE TO EXIST.
So, before I am forced to go back to school tomorrow, I am calling on every teaching loving patriot in this school to chip in and join me in calling for a MISTEST.
DEMAND MISTEST!!
These depraved savages won’t stop until my grades are DESTROYED and the American student morale is RIPPED TO SHREDS.
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PARENT TO CHILD
SUBJECT: This is what our records are showing for you this week.
Jack —
Earlier this week, we asked you for the first time to make your bed, clean your room floor, and clear your trash.
Now, we’re looking over our cleaning reports for this week and this is what our records are showing for you:
Name: Jack
Room Cleaned: Not yet
Suggested Action: Clean room today AND pay $5 penalty
DONATE AND CLEAN NOW
In a few short weeks, we’ll file our next disciplinary and cleaning report.
All eyes are going to be on the number we release. This number will be a statement about the disciplinary strength of our children — and your $5 contribution today will help us send an undeniable message that we have what it takes to keep our house clean.
Can we count on you to send over your first $5 penalty to show our disciplinary strength?
