Subject: Inbox(0): “As Sad as Assad”
*Disclaimer: This is satire**
What you will read below is a series of email exchanges chronicling the “Fall of a Dynasty”.
From: Bashar al-Assad (bashar.number1dictator@syria.gov)
To: Vladimir Putin, Tulsi Gabbard, Elon Musk, Ali Khamenei, Masoud Pezeshkian
Subject: Is this the end? 😢
Fellas, we have a situation. The empire’s toast. Sure, there were missiles and protests and all that other nonsense. But losing TikTok? That’s the real dagger. Syrian influencers are using the hashtag #ByeByeBashar and celebrating with baklavas shaped like my face. One picture simply said, “Eat your dictator. Literally.” How dare they?
Vlad, where’s my air cover, buddy? Tulsi, you vowed loyalty when we shared hummus that one time in Damascus. Elon, is there a way I can get some Teslas sent here for free PR? Maybe a “Dictator Edition” Cybertruck™ campaign?
Help me before I’m pictured as a meme forever.
Despairingly yours,
Bashar
P.S. Iran, you’ve been awfully quiet.
From: Vladimir Putin (czar.for.life@kremlin.ru)
To: Bashar al-Assad
CC: Tulsi Gabbard, Elon Musk, Ali Khamenei, Masoud Pezeshkian
Subject: Re: Is this the end? 😢
Bashar, my dear comrade,
Is this whining your idea of a strongman? Pull yourself together. Do you think Stalin cried when things got tough? Well, okay, he probably cried into his vodka sometimes, but with dignity.
You asked for air cover — allow me to remind you that sanctions have left my Air Force running on duct tape and hope. And those SU-57 jets? Lovely, aren’t they? Too bad they’re all on display at our one working museum.
Anyway, the Syrians are eating baklava in your honor? Consider it a compliment. The Ukrainians are burning effigies of me with potato vodka. I’d swap any day.
Be strong (or at least pretend).
Warm regards,
Vlad
P.S. Elon, quit replying to my emails with “when crypto, sir?”
From: Tulsi Gabbard (aloha.bashar4eva@hotmail.com)
To: Bashar al-Assad
CC: Vladimir Putin, Elon Musk
Subject: Re: Is this the end? 😢
Oh, Bashar…
I just knew they didn’t appreciate you the way I do. Remember when CNN called our “peaceful meeting” a PR disaster for me? Fools! I saw the humanitarian heart beneath that austere military jacket. That was when I knew I’d… well, anyway, you deserve better.
Why deal with all this nonsense? People fighting for freedom, demanding democracy — it’s exhausting. Come to Hawaii. Sunshine, Mai Tais, and absolutely no accountability. We’ll even buy you a sweet island shirt to replace that whole “menacing dictator vibe” you’ve got going.
With unwavering aloha,
Tulsi
P.S. Please don’t tell anyone I emailed this. Ever. Seriously.
From: Elon Musk (mars.or.bust@iamthepresident.com)
To: Bashar al-Assad
CC: Vladimir Putin, Tulsi Gabbard
Subject: Re: Is this the end? 😢
Sup, Bashy B!
Tough break about the whole dictatorship thing. That said, I gotta admit I support decentralization, bro — crypto, AI, and even empires, you feel me? But hey, I smell an opportunity here. Syria’s collapsing faster than Dogecoin after SNL, which means… cheap labor. But things that go down always come up. Trust me bro!
What if we set up a Tesla factory in Aleppo? Solar-powered Cybertrucks™ for the masses!
Bonus idea: AI drones that actually paint you in a good light. Targeted messaging to concerned citizens to disparage the rebels and make you a hero. I’ve got a playbook for all. Need a prototype? Call me. But only through Starlink, because the mainstream internet is, you guessed it — lame.
Keep crushing it (or, like, reclaim power violently — no judgment),
Elon
P.S. I X-ed “Bash 2 the Future” as my full support. Feel free to repost it on X and thank me later.
More P.S. Hey Tuls, you did a reply all. Concerning much? LOL.
From: Ali Khamenei (imam.in.chief@iran.gov)
To: Bashar al-Assad
Subject: Re: Is this the end? 😢
Bashar,
I told you the youth would be a problem. All their “freedoms” and TikTok dances — it’s haram, I say. Meanwhile, Masoud keeps petitioning me to sponsor an Iranian bake-off show, so I don’t have time for your drama. Handle your baklava humiliation quietly. Iran has never stooped to such desserts publicly.
Speaking of stooping, did Putin ghost? Because he still owes me for that “military combo box” I sent last year.
Supremely exasperated,
Ali
P.S. Tulsi, I hope our emails don’t accidentally leak someday. Awkward.
From: Masoud Pezeshkian (llamas.for.peace@iran.gov)
To: All
Subject: Re: Is this the end? 😢
Hey Bash,
Chill, bro. We all have bad decades. You think being Iran’s president is a cakewalk? I’ve spent half my term convincing people llamas are a legitimate gift for international diplomacy. But do I cry about it? Noooo. I build a llama pitch deck and move on.
Anyway, have you considered therapy? There’s gotta be a regime therapist somewhere. Maybe Kim Jong Un has recommendations.
Tactfully yours,
Masoud
P.S. If you want, I can send you my Bake-Off proposal. Might cheer you up.
From: Bashar al-Assad
To: Tulsi Gabbard
CC: Elon Musk
Subject: I Told You So
Dear Tulsi,
It’s been two days since this… incident. I warned you. I told you the West was out to get me, but you had to visit Syria in 2017 and “humanize” me. You called me a “beacon of stability!” Stability! Now, everyone’s sharing memes of me with baklava crumbs on my face, and Syria’s trending… for all the wrong reasons.
Can you please tweet or (whatever Elon calls it these days) something supportive? Maybe something vague, like: “Syria was misunderstood, and so was Bashar.” You’re good at being vague and evasive.
With disappointment,
Bashar
From: Tulsi Gabbard
To: Bashar al-Assad
Subject: Re: I Told You So
Dear Bashar,
First of all, I told you not to CC Elon Musk on your emails. The man has a crazy sense of humor and sometimes he compulsively auto-replies to literally everything.
Second, I can’t be associated with you right now. You know that. The last thing I’d want is this email getting leaked before my senate hearing. Do you know how hard it was to convince people I wasn’t being paid in golden falafels and diamond baklavas when I visited Damascus? My political career barely survived.
Lastly, have you thought about rebranding? Maybe pull a Prince and become “The Artist Formerly Known as Dictator”? Just a thought. I bet Elon can come up with some meme worthy stage name for you. Kidding.
Namaste and Love,
Tulsi
From: Vladimir Putin
To: Bashar al-Assad
Subject: Call Me
Bashar,
I did not do a Reply All.
I just reread your earlier email. What is this nonsense with getting upset over baklavas? You are embarrassing me. Russia gave you tanks, advisors, and discount mercenaries. This is how you repay me? By letting your dynasty crumble like poorly made strudel or should I say baklava (Where the f^&K is the wink emoji)?
Call me immediately. I have a new plan. It involves wrestling a bear on live TV. Always works for me.
Putin
From: Bashar al-Assad
To: Vladimir Putin
Subject: Re: Call Me
Vladimir,
Baklavas be damned. Bear wrestling isn’t going to cut it this time. Too late. The people are chanting things like, “No more mustaches, no more lies!” It’s a total PR disaster.
Can you at least send a statement saying you still support me? Maybe something like: “Assad is the T-72 tank of leaders — hard to dismantle, impossible to understand.”
Also, just in case things go south, as discussed, ground floor apartments only. And preferably, no windows.
Bashar
From: Elon Musk
To: Bashar al-Assad
Subject: Auto-Reply: This Is Not Financial Advice
Hi Bashar,
Quick personal advice. I see you’ve fallen into the same trap as X.com — bad branding and no real vision. Have you considered turning Syria into a subscription-based service? “Syria Premium: Free Speech for $8/month.” It may be worth giving it a shot before you flee Damascus. BTW, Putin’s plane (mine really) is waiting for you anytime you choose to flee.
If you need help, let me know. Also, would you like a flamethrower? Or a cabinet position in the new admin?
Cheers,
Elon
From: Masoud Pezeshkian
To: Bashar al-Assad, Ali Khamenei
Subject: Re: Syria Situation (Latest)
Bashar,
All these recent developments break my heart. What can I say? Even Iran is considering sanctions… against you. The Supreme Leader and I had a good laugh imagining you trying to retire in Moscow, selling shawarma (or is it going to be baklava?) outside the Kremlin.
The Supreme Leader suggests you write a memoir. Title idea: “50 Shades of Grey: The Sandstorm Chronicles.”
Thoughts?
Warm regards,
Masoud
From: Ali Khamenei
To: Bashar al-Assad, Masoud Pezeshkian
Subject: Re: Re: Syria Situation
Assad,
This is Allah’s will. Also, it’s the CIA’s fault. And Mossad. And TikTok. But mostly Allah’s will.
Write the memoir like Masoud says. But don’t borrow his stupid idea for the title. Call it “Assad Asks: Where Did It All Go Wrong?” I will buy a copy for my library of banned books.
See you in Moscow soon?
Insha’Allah,
Ali
From: Bashar al-Assad
To: Everyone
Subject: Stop Celebrating with Baklava
All,
To all Syrians, Russians, Iranians, and anyone else taking selfies with baklavas while chanting, “Freedom tastes sweet!” — STOP IT. I can’t believe this is how it ends. Fifty years of the Assad dynasty brought down by dessert.
Also, Elon, stop sending me flamethrowers. Can’t carry them all on that tiny plane.
Sincerely,
Bashar
From: Random Syrian Citizen (Email Leak)
To: Bashar al-Assad
Subject: Byeeeeeee!!!
Dear Bashar,
Thanks for the baklavas. They are delicious. Oh, and one more thing:
#SorryNotSorry #ByeByeBashar #AsSadAsAssad
Love,
The Syrian People
Final Thoughts (Leaked from Assad’s Diary):
“Is there no one left I can count on? The baklava memes keep coming. Even my email chain has become public fodder. The last shred of dignity is gone, saved only by one thought… At least I’m not Gaddafi.
Wait!! Am I Saddafi then?”
