How to befriend a US Supreme Court Justice?
Is it just me? Or is keeping a US Supreme Court Justice in your pocket all the rage these days? Of course, I am asking for a friend.
I mean, not my friend. But someone else’s friend.
That begs the question. Why should we all not aspire to keep a Justice in our pocket? Granted it’s an expensive affair. And that shouldn’t dissuade you from trying. Agree? After all, it’s a guaranteed way to get your way in the highest court in the land. I mean, who cares about ethical concerns when you can own a judge, am I right? I am not going to name any names but let’s just say that the affairs surrounding Clarence Thomas and his wife Ginny Thomas, have provided me with the ultimate guide on how to buy a US Supreme Court Justice (for those who don’t mind shady dealings once in a while).
And here I am, sharing my knowledge with you.
You may thank me later.
Step 1: Find a Justice in need of cash
First things first. You need to find a Justice who is in need of some extra cash. Clarence Thomas and his wife Ginny Thomas seemed to have hit some financial troubles, as it is clearly visible from the photos that we have seen. What a poverty stricken lifestyle they have been forced to lead!
My heart breaks for them and my eyes go moist every time I think about them poor Thomases. Don’t you think this is reason enough for them to have accepted bribes, err..“gifts”, from certain wealthy donors?
So, if you want to do the same, make sure you do your research and find a Justice who has had a history of poor financial decisions (cough..Brett..cough Kavanaugh) or maybe even some bankruptcy in their past.
That way, they’ll be more susceptible to your offer.
Step 2: Offer them a deal they can’t refuse
Once you find a Justice in need of funds, it’s time to make them an offer they can’t refuse. Easier said than done, this step is. The easiest thing to do would be to offer them a large sum of money. Like in a giant Amazon cardboard box or a dirty duffel bag. But this is a bit ridiculous. No Justice in their right mind would accept cash. So, you have to get creative.
Take them on your private yacht to your private island along with your wealthy friends. Serve them the finest meal you could possibly afford and send them home with never-before-seen Nazi memorabilia from your collection. Or pay for their vacation home on a private island and buy them a yacht so they could go on their own whenever they want to.
The possibilities are endless when it comes to bribing..err..gifting Supreme Court Justices. You have to look at this as a longterm investment. It’s not about just one case you want a favorable ruling to pacify your and your friends’ interests. Fixing Supreme Court is a longterm game in this country, as these justices will refuse to leave the court until the day they die. Such is the tragedy of lifetime appointments.
Step 3: Use a middle man (or woman)
The first time you try to establish contact with a Justice, to avoid any unnecessary scrutiny, you may want to use a middle man or woman to make the actual bribe..err..gift.
This person could be a lawyer or a lobbyist or a senator or a congressman/congresswoman (people from the last two categories advertise their services quite openly in DC these days), who has connections to the Justice in question. Just make sure they keep their mouth shut and don’t rat you out to the authorities.
Step 4: Use the Court as a “product”
Like I said before, this is a longterm investment for you. So, imagine yourself as a venture capitalist investing in an opportunity that does not have a clear exit strategy. Imagine yourself as a VC, taking up a cause for your ilk, and taking one for the team by investing big.
Ask yourself these questions: “What is in it for me? What is my equity? How do I make this profitable?”.
If you’re really looking to make a profitable investment, why not use the Supreme Court as a product? Offer your services to wealthy individuals and corporations who need a favorable ruling on a certain case. Think of the Supreme Court as a vending machine that dispenses judicial rulings — all you have to do is pay the right price to press the right button on the machine. Get it?
Step 5: Sit back and Enjoy!!
Once you have successfully bought a Supreme Court Justice, sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. I mean, it’s usually not a one time bribe..err…gift.
It’s a recurring scheme. But you will get used to the rhythm of it. Like a summer trip to the private island and a winter trip to the ski town. Year after year. With quarterly gala events, secret parties and dinners, thrown in between. After you settle into a rhythm, you could even throw a huge party for your wealthy friends, with your newly-purchased judge as the guest of honor. Almost like an advertisement for your services.
Who knows? You may even become the go-to person for buying Supreme Court Justices in the future.
Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it !! — The ultimate guide on how to buy a US Supreme Court Justice.
Of course, I don’t condone any illegal activity, but if you are willing to break a few ethics rules here and there, and bend the law, who are we to stop you?
Final word of caution:
This happens very rarely. But still, I thought it’s good to throw caution to the wind, while I still have your attention.
Remember, every now and then, you could end up with a Justice like Clarence Thomas, who has a spouse like Ginny Thomas, who plays an active role in the Supreme Court rulings herself. She could be writing dissenting opinions and concurring opinions, which in itself is not so much of a threat to you, as long as you have bought the spouse too with the same care as you did with while buying the Justice.
Problem arises when the whole situation goes a bit out of control and the spouse decides to actively take part in a coup, and starts mobilizing her army of supporters to join her insurrection party.
I mean..
There is a fine line between playing with the legitimacy of the Supreme Court while fooling the people of the country into believing that they live in a democracy with equal rights and equal justice for all..
and..
..actually killing democracy.
What ya think?
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Disclaimer: This is a satirical post published with the intention of bringing out a laugh or two.
