Happy New Year
There was a time when I used to get these oddly specific ideas in my head. And then I would romanticize the absolute shit out of them; and then go careening off wildly in an attempt to make them happen. These were undertakings that usually were well within my capabilities or what I believed to be within my capabilities, anyway. Of late though, I find that my propensity for rushing headlong into such ludicrous undertakings has reduced. I will admit that.
I still get these oddly specific ideas. But I spend too much time marinating in these ideas and by the time I finish marinating, I am usually not in a rush to dive into accomplishing them. Is that age or wisdom? Or is it because I have started to lack something?
For example, when I planned a two week getaway to Australia in December, I really had this grand idea of diving in the Great Barrier Reef. I had never gone scuba diving before. The hobby has always fascinated me and I am always envious of those who dive regularly. But for the purpose of this exercise in December, I knew with some training, I could do it. This was a very specific idea that I ended up marinating for too long and in the end, I did not get to dive. Instead, I did the next best thing I could and walked on the sea floor at a specially approved reef site, about 25 feet below sea level, got to see the marine life and corals up close and personal, without the burden of having to master a new skill. This was a bit unlike me. The sea-walking experience was amazing and I got to take some great photos and videos. But again, it was a bit unlike me to not try to do what I wanted to even when it was somewhat within my reach.
I am back from my vacation and slowly settling into my routine after the getaway. There is this vague melancholy that comes with the settling, and there is the full panoply of other feelings that come with it too. The latter are so deep and rich, I love them and the access to them. The former — the faint, tugging shadow of a sadness, a longing — always hurt a little, but only in retrospect. I am not sad that I did not get to dive. But there is a bit of a remorse.
I am usually not the wistful kind. I rarely have those moments of longing of what could have been. And I do not get too reflective of the past and get sentimental by truckloads.
It is Jan 10th. My first Medium post of 2024. I am not driven by new year resolutions or by year-end guilt trips. Generally, I do not write an overwrought reflection on the past year and document my grandiose plans for the new year. But for the purpose of this post, I just wanted to write something meaningful for me to start the new year here and it is somewhat of an irony that this post is turning into a reflective one. In December, I wanted to write a little bit about my journey towards completing my debut novel, TEXIT — A Star Alone. But never got around doing it. My short writing career as a published author, such as it is, demands a bit more self-love and I will have to invest more time into doing that. That’s being wishful. Not wistful.
I do have plenty of melancholy that I can tap into anytime I want to. But not enough wist. Maybe I should become more wistful. And find time to dive into moments of reflection, sentimentality, reminiscence, vague longing. Will that help me find more meaningful topics to write about? I don’t know. Since this post is becoming one about being wistful, I wish I had more wist so I could mine it when I need it. Just a fist full of wist is all I wish for.
Out of the many marinated writing ideas from last year, the ones I wistfully look back are the ones about the ongoing conflict, about which I never wrote much even though I had so much to say. Even that one post I wrote (The attack, the response) was a mellowed down version of what I really wanted to write. I did not write on this topic more in 2023 because I was worried about the label I could be subjected to. With ICJ opening the hearings tomorrow, I am taking a deep breath with my fingers crossed. Many rational voices have come together and I am mildly relieved to see that. And yet, what was lost was lost. What a miserable year 2023 was for a certain population!
If you had a particularly difficult last year, then you probably would have used December as the yardstick to measure how far in the tunnel you are in to know if the new year would bring the light you are looking for. I did go through a few moments in the tunnel myself during summer last year when I lost my father, but I knew where the light was and fortunately, I got out of the tunnel before it started disorienting me.
Firstly, if the last year felt like it was a time in the tunnel for you, I am sorry. I wish I can tell you when you will step back out into the light, but to hold onto the hope that you will one day is a must. There is a new chapter waiting to be written on the other side, with the old chapter closed.
However many Decembers it takes, hold onto the hope.
Belated New Year greetings!!
May 2024 be a good one for us all.
