Fare is Foul, and Foul is Fare
THE PLACE
Dolby Theater, Hollywood
THE TIME
Modern Post-Truth American Pandemic Era
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — ACT 1 — — — — — — — — — — — —
LADY SMITH
No!! Of course it isn’t fair. Rock is an old fool!!
LORD SMITH
Perhaps you are prejudiced, my dear.
LADY SMITH
Why, you’re twice nominated. When I think you were passed over for others in 2002 and then 2007, it makes my blood boil. Win or Lose, Well, Rock will be here soon for the celebration. And I asked you to invite him for a reason. Can’t you guess what it is?
LORD SMITH
Nope.
LADY SMITH
Oh, my dear Smith, for heaven’s sake! You are strong. But as for your intelligence. Sigh. Remember what he did to me in 2016? On the same stage?
LORD SMITH
Hoot now my lass. If that was an insult, I didn’t quite like it.
LADY SMITH
Listen to me Will, I have a plan.
LORD SMITH
Out with it then, my lady!
LADY SMITH
No. I think not. For the moment, the less you know the better. Sometimes I am afraid there’s too much milk of human kindness in your veins. But let me just say one thing. If all else fails… (She shows her right palm), it just might become necessary to use this!
LORD SMITH
Now that’s more like it. But whom do I use it on?
LADY SMITH
For heaven’s sake. Please. Think, man!
LORD SMITH
(Thinks for a moment..smiles and shakes his head)
I give up!
LADY SMITH
In that case, I’ll do the thinking for us both. All right? But do remember this. If you but screw your courage to the Hollywood stars, you cannot and must not fail.
LORD SMITH
But how will I know when to use it?
LADY SMITH
(Shakes her head)
REGINA HALL AND WANDA SYKES
King Rock has arrived. Long liveth the King!!
LORD SMITH
And you’re looking well, your Majesty!
(To Lady Smith)
Isn’t he, my dear?
LADY SMITH
Of course yes, isn’t he? Good to see you here, your majesty. Welcome to Dolby!
KING ROCK
I am alive and I am here. You two are looking well yourselves. And you, my lady, you are looking special in that new do. Your own hairdo, I presume?
LORD SMITH
(Smiling)
Ha..ha…She does. Doesn’t she? Ha..ha.
LADY SMITH
(With a furious face. Looks at Will)
Now!! Now is the time!
LORD SMITH
(With a confused look while still smiling at the King)
For what? Time for what?
LADY SMITH
(Raises her palm to remind him)
The rest, as they say, is history.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -END — — — — — — — — — — —
As the legend goes, one must never, never ever, utter the name of the Shakespearean play or the lead character’s name in a theatre, except to perform or rehearse a line from the play. There are many stories of disasters that followed the performers who uttered the name of the play that must not be uttered — From death to injuries. The Scottish Curse does exist.
The play must always be referred to as “The Scottish Play” or “The Bard’s Play”.
Chris Rock should have known better.
You see, after he uttered the name of the play (what was the need to call out Denzel? Everyone knows he is a legend), someone from the academy should have alerted Chris Rock to reverse the curse immediately. Chris Rock should have exited the Dolby Theatre, spun around three times, spat over his left shoulder, uttered some profanity, and then knocked on the theatre door to be allowed back in.
The Academy missed doing that and is now stuck between a Rock and a hard place called Bel-Air.
—
PS: Incidentally, I had published a satirical medium post about Chris Rock and the Oscars in 2016. Who knew?
You can read it here.
