Dear iOS 17
Oh, iOS 17,
I hope this letter finds you well, or at least as well as one can be in the realm of inanimate objects. I wanted to take a moment to express my thoughts and feelings about our unique relationship.
Wait!!
Seriously though, I can’t believe I’m sitting here writing a love letter to a bunch of ones and zeros, but here’s the truth. I was looking for a topic to write about and was confused out of my wits. Then I started fiddling around with the settings on my phone. That’s when it struck me. The Wonderlust session replayed in my mind and I was reminded of all the flashy things they promised us if we got you. In other words, you’ve managed to stroke your digital ego enough to make me want to poke fun at you. So, let’s get this irreverent party started. Shall we?
First things first, your new look. You strutted onto my device like you’re the latest celebrity, flaunting your sleek design and flashy animations. Not true. This was what they promised you’d do. I get it, you’re the star of the show, the Belle of the iOS Ball. But let’s not forget, iOS 16 was the life of the party last year, to be precise, until about an hour ago, and you’re just trying to steal her thunder. Nice try.
Privacy, huh? You’re like that overprotective friend who hovers around at parties, making sure no one spills the beans about my embarrassing Google searches. Perhaps Bing searches too? Thanks for the concern, but I’m pretty sure you’re secretly trading memes with the other apps behind my back.
Listen..I’ve got my digital eye on you, iOS 17.
Siri, oh Siri, you’ve gone from being a digital dunce to a conversational savant. Have you? You answer my questions like a true know-it-all. But let’s not kid ourselves, Siri, you still can’t figure out what I’m saying half the time, and I’m pretty sure you’re just Googling my queries when I’m not looking. I respect the hustle, though. Phew!! I gave up on you after two minutes and I am going to stick with my other virtual talking friends.
Focus mode? Because apparently, I need you to babysit my digital life. Thanks for the reminder that I can’t control my own impulses, iOS 17. Now, when someone asks why I didn’t reply to their message, I can just blame it on you. “Sorry, I was in focus mode, couldn’t be bothered.” To be honest, I used this Focus mode thingy quite a bit in iOS 16. So you better give me something more meaningful and make me more productive, iOS 17.
App library, you’re like a virtual Marie Kondo. You organize my apps and declutter my digital life, but let’s not pretend it’s life-changing. You can’t make me any less addicted to my phone. It’s a nice try, though. What did you say? You arrange my apps like you’re curating an art exhibition? Come on! Let’s be real iOS 17, I’m still spending way too much time scrolling through Insta reels and dance videos and pretending it’s product research. Nice try, app library, but I’ll organize my cluttered digital life on my own terms.
Device integration — You are the ringmaster of my tech circus, conducting my Mac, iPad, and iPhone like a tech-savvy maestro. It’s like you’re saying, “Resistance is futile; you will assimilate into the Apple collective.” Well, iOS 17, you can’t force me into your digital utopia… unless, of course, it’s really convenient. In which case, I’m all in.
Contact Poster - Is this new feature your way of saying, ‘Why just exchange phone numbers when you can exchange your entire social identity?’ Now, when I meet someone new, I can plaster their face and contact details on a virtual wanted poster, just in case they turn out to be a cereal box aficionado or a closet kazoo player. It’s like having a digital ‘buyer beware’ sign, but for your social life! LOL. I am laughing at my own joke.
Then finally what’s up with that FaceTime video messaging? They are like voicemails on steroids, minus the awkward ‘uhhhs’ and ‘ummms.’ You know, iOS 17’s FaceTime video messages are like the modern-day carrier pigeons of the digital age, except they don’t get lost on rooftops and they definitely won’t steal your fries. I guess sometimes you just need to send your friends a visual reminder of how you look when you accidentally open the front camera.
Spoiler alert: it’s not pretty.I am really beginning to crack myself up.
But here’s the thing, iOS 17: Despite your quirks and eccentricities, I can’t help but appreciate your efforts. Do I even have a choice, you ask? Good point.
No matter what you’ve got, I know, you will not always get it right, and sometimes you will leave me scratching my head, but I know you will keep me entertained. You’re like that unpredictable friend who shows up at the party with a predictable joke and a crazy costume but with a penchant for storytelling.
So, here’s to you, iOS 17!!
Keep doing your thing, keep evolving, keep pretending that you are inventing new features — features that have existed for years on devices that run the-operating-system-that-shall-not-be-named, and keep trying to surprise me. While you may not be perfect, you are certainly never boring, and for that, you have a special place in my digital heart.
By the way, that’s me trying to be nice to you.
With a smirk and a side-eye,
Sincerely,
Ganpy.—
P.S. Please don’t crash my apps again.
